Ralph - Podcast Ep3

(Home) (Rusty) (Ralph Xtra)

The following is an extract from the latest episode of the podcast series "Your Pack, Your Assignment" and features a return of one of our all-time favorite guests, Ralph.
nyT - Welcome back!
Ralph - Many thanks, great to be here once again.
nyT - So, when last you were with us, we discussed your previous assignment to this current one and it didn't go as planned did it?
Ralph - Touchy subject T.  Don't really want to talk about that one mate.  You've been there yourself so you know where I'm comin' from here.
nyT - Understand completely.  That minor pack member on the other side of the barrier really freaked me out and still gives me the heeby jeebies just mentioning it.  Moving along, what can you tell us about your current assignment?  You have been there quite a while haven't you?
Ralph - I have.  In fact I rejected reassignment from Head Office on several occasions because the work here is just so rewarding.  Pretty sure I've gone well past the average stay by a long way and expect a recall order for reassignment in the next little while.
nyT - From what I've been hearing you have set the 'Golden' standard, so to speak.
Ralph - I see what you did there T.  Nice one.
nyT - What is your first memory of this assignment?
Ralph - Jeez T, that was some time back and you know yourself what it is like...
nyT - Just let the listening audience know Ralph... your words... what can you recall?
Ralph - Well.... that previous bitch assignment ended in a flash, as mentioned last time. I had absolutely no time for briefings from Head Office for the next one, so I just had to cuff it from the get-go.  I recall being a member of a small pack and over a short period of time I was the only one left, which became a bit worrisome.
nyT - How concerned were you really?
Ralph - Well, I know how Head Office works so I just had to wait it out.  Before I knew it, I was stuffed into a small enclosure and transported to an unknown destination.
NyT - Scary stuff!
Ralph - Not really.  Somehow, I knew I was with my new pack.... "the ones" ....and was pretty cool about it from my first day.  Mind you, there was a bit of work to begin with but in the end I managed to train them up to my liking in a pretty short time.
nyT - So this new pack were ready for you?
Ralph - Pretty sure they thought so.

nyT - LOL
Ralph - Exactly!  As you know, there is always a language barrier.  Even now, I still only understand a few of the noises they emit and I'm pretty sure that works both ways, but we soon understood each other's body language, which as you know is Universal.
nyT - Your new Area of Operations (AO)... plenty of space?
Ralph - Huge!  Then again I was a tiny tacker back then so most things were large. Heaps of places to explore and greenery to munch on.  I could pretty much tell it was going to be a great safe place to do my work.

nyT - So you started straight away then?
Ralph - Pretty much.  Beginning with an intro to all the other packs in the area, where we gathered inside a large structure and started with the basics so my "ones" could feed me on demand.  Fast learners as it turned out and we soon moved out into the big wide blue for some more intense food training.
nyT - Good food?
Ralph - Well, it wasn't bad, but I soon found that the ground was littered with little tasty morsels so I made the most of the opportunity.  For some reason the "ones" didn't like that and so I had to abandon my training regime.
nyT - What did you do?
Ralph - Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.
nyT - Well, it is your Trademark Ralph.
Ralph - From way back.  And something I've taught the New Guy.
nyT - We'll discuss the New Guy later, I'm sure.  Any other memorable moments from those early years?
Ralph - Where to start...?  Well, I felt safe, secure, respected.  It was a good feeling.  Met some great Others with Holly being the stand-out during the early years.  She taught me a lot during the short time we had together. 

Even managed to expand the AO by taking some elements of the Pack for exploratory missions.  Managed to come across a Beast not far from our AO.
nyT - Shite....! I thought they'd been removed from the System?
Ralph - Apparently not.  Not just one either.  One was disguised as a Pack member look-alike.  Nasty piece of work it was.  Should have sunk my teeth into it when I had the chance, but my #1 Pack member had other ideas. Was not impressed!  Came across another one a couple of years back, but the Bod was well past its prime by then, so I just used to shit stir it from a distance... damn thing would go ballistic.  Very funny!
nyT - Lucky for you it was contained?
Ralph - Damned straight.  I couldn't have protected my Pack.  I think if it got out, I'd learn how to climb a tree in a hurry!
nyT - Now I have a picture...
Ralph - Yeah, sounds funny in retrospect.  Anyway, heading back to the early days, I did manage to do a bit of an injury to myself back when I first met Holly, mucking about as one does, and the Pack took me to the wonderful Fix Us Up Pack.  Managed to get to know them quite well there.  Love the place.  Knew they would take care of me whenever things went pear shaped.
nyT - Lucky you! 
Ralph - Certainly.  During this time I started to grow and develop into quite the handsome Creature, even if I do say so myself.  Loved to sleep, eat, play, eat, sleep, eat and occasionally train the pack, say 'hello' to pack visitors... the usual.

nyT - That you did, but I can see you liked to eat....
Ralph - Growing boy here!

nyT - So... tell us about Rusty.  How the heck did that happen?
Ralph - Obviously a Front Office stuff up and by the time he was introduced to the Pack, it was too late for Operations to abort.  So me old mate and I were reunited once again!  Had been eons since we last seen each other, probably back during Basic.  Long, long time ago!  We had a ball.  Well, Rusty had a ball, as he took over the ball chasing task, which freed me up to continue my mission.  With Rusty now part of the Pack as my #2, it also gave me the confidence to reject reassignments for such a long time.

nyT - What a life!  I heard that you did a bit of travelling?
Ralph - That we did.  The Pack would transport us down towards that funny tasting water, where we'd run around like nutters, with Rusty chasing balls and me looking for something to roll around in.  For some reason the Pack didn't like me doing that.  Never figured out why that was so.  Loved the rest periods though, especially toasting my butt in front of a Hot Spot.

nyT - I heard about your "mind games" that you inflicted on your Pack during these trips?  Tell us about them...
Ralph - Well, one in particular, which was quite effective.  As the transport device had large windows at the rear, I'd sit back there and look at #1 Pack Member with my soulful look and I could tell that we both understood by the Body Language what was going on, or about to at least.  I think I coughed up everything forward of my large intestine not far from our Primary AO.  The look on #1 was priceless as the clean-up happened.  Ever see a Pack Member dry retch their toe nails before?  Was beautiful to watch.
nyT - You bastard!
Ralph - Rusty said the same thing!  We both laughed so hard later that night, I thought I was going to pee my farter....
nyT - The Pack had the last laugh though, didn't they?
Ralph - Jeez, your researcher knows the dirt hey?  Seems we both picked up a dose of Blood Suckers, which had to be removed by going to another Fix Us Up Pack as our regular wasn't open for some reason.  Did you know Rusty hates those places?  No idea why, never got around to asking him.  Anyways, that caused fun and games for all concerned.  Consequently we didn't do any more trips to the funny tasting water, so I couldn't "mind game" #1 anymore.  Had to work on #2, #3 and #any.one.else who wandered into my sphere of influence...
nyT - Which you did.  Naturally.
Ralph - Naturally.
nyT - ....and a tiny new Pack Member arrived?
Ralph - The first one?.... ok, I finally someone I was bigger than and could literally boss about.
nyT - Not really what your prime directive is, though, is it?
Ralph - ...no.... but one does need some light relief along the way. After all, no-one was harmed and in the end we became quite close, even though this one was way down the pecking order.  Love the rump rubs I get from this one... very tap worthy.
nyT - Have heard about your little tap dancing when that happens.
Ralph - Hey, nothing to be ashamed of T.
nyT - Well, we could continue this episode for much longer, but let's just wind it down with a short word association quiz for Ralph.  Is that OK?
Ralph - Willing and able as always T.
nyT - OK... first word - Paper.
Ralph - Food.
nyT - Say what? How do you associate paper with food?
Ralph - Hey, paper is highly nutritious didn't you know? Especially paper with those yellow arches on it.
nyT - Next one - Plastic Wrap.
Ralph - Street Food.
nyT - Garbage!
Ralph - Food.
nyT - Beg yours?... no, no, no... "garbage" was my WTF moment re your plastic wrap response.  What do you mean by 'street food'?
Ralph - Easy. Nothing better than a snack of a highly fermented thrown away sandwich wrapped in plastic on a hot summers day.
nyT - Urp...!
Ralph - You're lookin' a bit green there T. At least I don't eat dead rats!
nyT - Any wonder... OK, next one - Kangaroo Poop.... Ah wait, I can answer that one myself... food?
Ralph - Got it in one T.
nyT - Jeezus. ... so before we close out this episode of "Your Pack, Your Assignment" I'd like to ask you about the New Guy.
Ralph - Benny?  A raw talent that one.  Straight out of basic. This is his very first assignment, so Head Office were on the ball when giving him this one and he will be a worthy successor for when I head off to my next post.  He needs some remedial training re rump rubs and paper, but apart from that, he'll be a great addition to this Pack.
nyT - Any word on where you'll be heading off to next?
Ralph - The word is I'll be taking a break from Operations for a while with a real chance of moving over to be the new Boss of Basic.
nyT - Wow. Plumb j..
Ralph - Food.
nyT - Wha..?
Ralph - Stone fruit man... yummo.
nyT - Sheesh.... look at me... look at me Ralph.
Ralph - Sorry.
nyT - Boss of Basic hey?  A big step up, pretty sure you'll enjoy it.
Ralph - Not as much as where I am now.  Love this place.
nyT - How will you break it to them?
Ralph - Well, Head Office have given me the OK to depart on my terms so when I do, I'll give the Pack my final lesson on humility, humanity, love, respect, compassion and friendship. I know it will break my heart to depart this Pack of Packs and I only hope they all move on with their lives sooner rather than later.  Benny will help a lot here as well.
nyT - You're a beautiful life force Ralph and all the best for your future.
Ralph - A pleasure as always T.
nyT - And so ends this episode. Once again, many thanks to our most favorite of guests, Ralph. Until next time, this is nyT signing off.